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Anna's Wedding Blog Week 20:What is Normal?
Posted on 03/31/2010 by Anna Ferguson |
You should know: This wasn’t my original blog entry for this week. In fact, my blog entry for this week was, well, shall we say kind of dry and boring. But then this happened, and I’m not sure if writing about here is the right venue, but I figure these are conditions and questions all to-be brides face at some point or another. So let’s go ahead and put it out there.
And you should know this, my disclaimer: read on with caution. Things are revealed and things might get personal.
So, I ask you, what is normal in a married relationship? In a newly married relationship?
(I know Michael and I have not tied the knot yet, but we might as well. We live together, and essentially, that’s the difference between how we were on St. Simons, and how we are now. It was just a merging of the stuff. Our stuff has merged. Our time has merged. We might as well just go ahead and say we are married. It’s a matter of two months anyhow.)
By normal, I mean in all aspects- in the sharing of time, in the splitting of time, and yes, in the bedroom.
I recall watching the disappointing movie “Sex and the City,” and hearing Charlotte say she and her hubby had sex two to three times a week. I recall hearing girlfriends of mine giving similar quotas, while other friends said daily, and others still pointed to a few times a month.
I am left with my hands in the air, wondering if Michael and I are normal. Two to four times a week on average, less when school is overwhelming, more when the work load eases… normal?
I am left to wonder in silence (because you just don’t talk about this, right?) if other couples have that trouble with, every now and then, the act is started but, well, doesn’t finish. (Can I write that here? I did…) Michael’s young, healthy guy, and one might assume he could presumably do the deed day after day. Yet that’s just not the case. For him. Or for me. Is that normal? The whole working all day thing, the whole studying all the time thing, the whole weight of adult stress thing, these are elements that wear people out, wear people down. Some nights, a kiss and a cuddle are all you need. Some night you think you need more, but, it just never formalizes. Is that normal?
Is it normal that I study and write and work hours and hours most days, and only have about two to three hours to set aside for Michael every evening? Is it normal that I try to set aside two whole Saturdays each month that are free of work, so that we can spend time together, just being together?
Is it normal that I don’t want to spend every waking hour with him, and vice versa?
Is it normal that he comes home from work, and just kinda hangs out, waiting for me to finish up my work? Is it normal that I feel the need to enertain him, even if I don’t have the time?
Is it normal that I feel the need to be wifey, to make dinner every night, go to the grocery store every week, and make sure the house is nice and tidy, even though I know I am not very good at any of it? Is it normal that I don’t think Michael should do the dishes because I’m the woman, that’s my job? Is it normal I think he should take care of cutting the grass and caring for the outside house appearance, even though he isn’t very good at it?
Someone, please, explain to me what is normal. Where is my marriage manual?!
Oh, wait. I don’t have one. Marriage doesn’t come with a manual. Crap. Just crap.
Marriage does, however, come with what we see on TV, movies and magazines. I may be placing too much emphasis (could it be blame? Responsibility?) on the media for giving Michael and I are ideals about what a normal marriage is/should be/will be like, but I can’t help it. That’s what I study, and I am certainly seeing the theories we hear in class play out in my life.
I don’t know how to be married. So I look to my parents, I look to my sister, I look to my friends, and none of them seem consistent in how their marriages’ work out. How am I to know what mine should be like?
On those TV show, in those movies and on the pages of all those magazines, there are displays of what is normal, what we should strive to be. (And aside: at this very moment, a Target commercial has popped up on TV, with a very happy, healthy waspy couple, setting up house and being all nice and perfect. OH, they are so happy! They are doing marriage right. Or are they? If I shop at Target, will I be normal? I registered at Target, so what does that mean? Dang the TV!)
Tell me, who laid out these guidelines for normalcy? How do I know that what the media is telling me is true? Is Charlotte from “Sex and the City” the ideal wife? She is beautiful, fashionable and perfectly proper, she doesn’t work, she runs a lot and she really wants babies. And she seems really happy on that show. Yet, she is the polar opposite of me. I say what I feel when I feel it, I like clothes but am too cheap to buy anything not one sale, I really want to work a lot, I hate running (but love my daily bouts of long, brisk walks), and I don’t really want children. Is she right, or am I?
I have so many question, many of which Michael and I have talked about. How do we know we are doing this right?
Over the weekend, Michael and I went to Baconfest at Dad’s Garage. It’s this day-long bacon and beer festival, with funny carnival games and live music, all to raise movie for Dad’s Garage Improv troupe. Fun stuff, it was. While we were there, we went to the “Keevan Kares” booth. Apparently, this was a marriage counseling/joke type deal, where comedian Keevan asked us questions about our life, how we meet, why we were getting married, what our life goals were, why we loved each other, ect. We ran through the whole reporter/photographer story, I told him about why I loved Michael, and what I wanted out of life, and Michael revealed the same, Keevan taking notes all the while.
After about 15 minutes of us talking, Keevan put down his pen, looked up and declared: “You two will be great together. I think you are completely and totally perfect for each other.”
He went on to tell me to take off my jacket- “It’s like 80 degrees out here,” he said- and to essentially let down my guard, calm down about the future and just let the world work its magic around me. He told Michael to not be so lazy, to not always take the easy road and to take on some of my anxious work ethic. Of course, his exact words were not as spelled out. His exact words were “Anna, let your bottom meet Michael’s top”, an inappropriate innuendo I’m sure.
But that aside, the words rang true. I need to let go some of these expectations I am posing on myself, because basically, I am a bit too high strung and intense. Michael, well, he needs to get a bit more motivation in his step, and realize that things won’t always be easy—and that is OK.
Apparently, this Keevan comedy guy thinks we are well and equally balanced and that we will be fine, now and forever. I agree. But that didn’t answer my question about what is/not normal. It just made me realize that even if we aren’t normal, we work well together.
I Googled “What is a normal relationship?” and the answers I got back ranged from “Defining a Normal Relationship” (with definitions such as “forming a right angle” and “not abnormal”- oh well, those are both just oh so helpful- and “occurring naturally”- which actually is kinda helpful) to “Five Steps to a Normal Relations” (which turned out to be only three steps, none of which were useful; why can’t we have sex then dinner?).
Essentially, I think that by writing all of this, I may have answered my own questions from the start of this blog. What is normal? And who says it is normal?
Could it be, my friends, that a lack of normal is normal? That normal is not a hard and fast set of rules, but an individualized set of ideas shaped to form each person, and each respective couple?
Comments
OK, the middle of this got a little too "TMI" for your old future mom-in-law, but I soldiered on through. A little advice, if I may. Michael is a lot like his dad in lots of ways. They certainly are not lazy, but they are not real ambitious, which is a different thing. They do not require a lot of stuff, and don't see a lot of sense in continually striving to accumulate it. Taking time to stop and smell the roses is important to them and that can be sometimes maddening to those of us who are more "Type A". You two do seem to fill each other's spaces pretty well, and that is a great "normal" to have. As for the rest of what is normal, what is that, anyway? The one other small statement you made that struck me hard is your wish not to have children. Selfishly, for me, I would hope that you would change your mind about this but obviously this is your's and Michael's world and not mine. My hope and prayer for you both is that you are both in agreement about this important part of your life together, and that you two are not going into it hoping to change one another's mind, which generally does not work and is not fair to either of you. So, plan your lives as best you can, all the while realizing that it has a way of throwing curveballs that make it not at all easy. Love each other through the easy times and the hard, and "normal" will take care of itself. Love, Susan